Southern European countries face the most unfavorable demographic trends in the continent and they are expected to worsen further in the coming decades, UBS argues in a report. Greece ranks fourth worst when it comes to demographic indicators, such as population growth, fertility rates, life expectancy and people of working age. In Italy, Portugal, Greece and Spain, demographic trends will deteriorate, the report stressed, saying that for Greece it is estimated that in the current decade the population will decrease by 44,000 per year, in 2030-2039 by 68,000 annually and in 2040-2049 by 71,000, a decline of about 1% each year on average.
Have you ever wondered why we allow some people to treat us badly? “Badly” is very general and probably includes all sorts of things like verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, rudeness etc. However, this “bad” is always accompanied by a feeling of discomfort, sadness or anger on our part, as well as a sense of injustice about the fact that “we didn’t deserve” that behavior.
If we go beyond the first level, which is the most important one, namely that the behavior of others is not related to who we are but to who they are, we have to consider what is this signal, the message that we send out, usually nonverbally and unconsciously, which provides the green light for others to insult us, to take advantage of us, and even to trample on us.
Of course, I am not referring here to incidents that happen once, such as an argument with a stranger at a traffic light or something similar in the tax office queue. I am referring to incidents with people in our circle (family, professional, social etc) with whom we have repeated contact. These people, for some reasons related both to us and to themselves, believe they can behave in this way.
But what is this wrong message or signal that we are sending out? Usually we accept this behavior unquestioningly, even though it bothers us. Or we often protest but our protests are not accompanied by a change in attitude.
Why? Here, to be able to give a thorough answer, we probably need a mental health professional.
However, apart from the “why,” which is of course important, it is good (at least until we can get some sort of credible answer) to go into some form of “response” and make it clear either in words or behavior that we will not continue to accept such behavior.
In personal life, with family or friends, things (seemingly) are a bit simpler in the sense that we have a choice. In professional life, very often we are obliged to work with certain individuals, regardless of their character and behavior.
In this light, in personal life, when we don’t like the behavior of another person, whether it is our mother, father, a friend etc, we can set some kind of boundary and make it clear that we are not going to allow the same pattern to continue. If by simply talking something out, as is usually the case, we have the option of taking a different stance on things. There is a saying: “When things don’t change, we change.” So when someone, for example, constantly neglects us, belittles us, or insults us, we can remove ourselves from their presence and no longer take the fire they are directing at us.
Things become more complicated when there are dependent relationships between the individuals involved. Examples: work dependency (employee and employer or supervisor and subordinate), financial dependency (a couple where one is financially dependent on the other and the latter behaves badly), emotional dependency (this type of dependency can potentially involve all relationships, from personal to professional). In this case, the first thing to do is to create choices. For example, the partner who is financially dependent should take care to gain financial independence and stand on his/her own two feet. Otherwise, he/she will hardly be able to resist and change. The second thing one should do is, work on his/her self-confidence and self-esteem.
It is necessary to know that no one deserves to be treated badly. However, many allow it. The third, and perhaps the most difficult, thing is to understand how one can live without the other person in one’s life. Whoever it may be. Mother, father, child, wife, husband, friend(s), and so on. The emotional and psychological dependence that is created in human relationships, mainly because of unwritten “social rules,” leads many people to depression, illness, and even death (there are cases of people who either commit suicide or are driven to murder because they have found themselves at a total dead end in such relationships).
“But it’s your mother,” someone says. “But you can’t not talk to your father,” claims a second. “She’s your child. You’ll put up with it,” advises a third. And yet. That’s not the way things are.
We have not come into this life to endure what we do not want. But to want what we can bear. And I explain.
Too often we are called to endure situations and difficulties: accumulated work fatigue, physical pain, mental fatigue, psychological stress (among other things). However, there is a big difference between enduring something that you have chosen in order to reach a goal you desire – and that for a certain period of time – and enduring in general things that do not develop you, nor bring you any closer to your goals, and (most importantly) have no expiration date.
When I was studying in the US, I used to erase the days on the wall like a prisoner, counting down until the time I could come back to Greece for a holiday. But I had a goal. To complete my PhD. I endured to fulfill my dream as I saw – even if only in the distance – the light at the end of the tunnel. But when I found myself in an unhappy marriage, with things getting worse and worse and me getting worse every day, living in sadness and frustration, then “endurance” lost its meaning. What exactly was I supposed to endure in that situation? And for what purpose? To what end? Because to endure anything you have to have a motive. And when that motive is absent, you either give up or you fall apart (in various ways).
At 44 years old, I realized how many people I have allowed at times to treat me like garbage: parents, relatives, ex-spouse, friends. But when I decided to get up from the corner of the kitchen, move into the living room, stop treating myself as a garbage can, and break my relationships with those who still pretended not to see, I stopped serving that role.
Because when we don’t respect ourselves, it is very difficult for others to respect us.
Marina Selini Katsaiti is an associate professor and chair at the Agricultural University of Athens’ Department of Economic and Regional Development in Amfissa.